How to Survive Thanksgiving as a Couple: Handling Difficult Family Dynamics Without Turning on Each Other

By Corrin Voeller, Couples Therapist | St. Louis Park, MinnesotaServing St. Louis Park, Edina, Minnetonka, Wayzata, Orono, Golden Valley & Minneapolis

Thanksgiving is supposed to be about gratitude, mashed potatoes, and pretending you didn’t notice your uncle double-dip the carrot stick.

But for many couples?

Thanksgiving is stress in a casserole dish.

Between family drama, passive-aggressive comments, political landmines, weird parenting advice from relatives who haven’t had toddlers in 30 years, and that one sibling who just loves to stir the pot…

…it’s no wonder couples end up arguing on the drive home.

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

You can actually survive Thanksgiving — and maybe even enjoy it — if you and your partner create a plan before you walk into the house.

Here’s how to do it.

📌 If you want help navigating holiday family stress as a couple, book a consult or email me for day-long intensive info at corrinvoeller@gmail.com.

Step 1: Have a “Pre-Game Strategy Talk” Before the Event

No, this doesn’t have to be a formal therapy session in your living room.Just 10 minutes where you cover:

✔ What conversations should we avoid?

Politics, parenting choices, fertility, finances, career stuff, relationship issues, and anything that inevitably causes tension.

✔ What comments or behaviors from your family feel hard for you?

Tell your partner ahead of time so they aren’t caught off guard.

✔ What do you each need to feel supported?

Some examples from real couples I work with:

• “If someone criticizes my parenting, I need you to speak up.”

• “If your mom starts quizzing me about work, can you redirect it?”

• “Don’t leave me alone with your uncle.”

✔ Set a signal for when you need a break.

Something subtle like a hand squeeze, a phrase (“Hey, can you help me with something?”), or even an eyebrow raise.

If you want Thanksgiving to go well, you need a plan that puts you on the same team.

Step 2: Decide Together How to Handle Difficult Conversations

Family members mean well… until they don’t.

Someone will inevitably ask:

• “When are you guys having kids?”

• “Have you lost weight?” (Always a trap.)

• “How’s your marriage?” (Too bold.)

• “Why aren’t you staying longer?”

• “Are you sure that job is right for you?”

• “When are you buying a house?”

• “Did you hear what your sister did…?”

Here’s your toolkit:

⭐ 1. Use a unified front.

Nothing strengthens a couple faster than backing each other up in front of family.

If someone crosses a line with your partner, you don’t sit silently.You step in gently but firmly.

Example:“Hey Mom, we’re not talking about that today.”or“We’re good, thanks — let’s change the subject.”

You don’t need to be confrontational.Just supportive and clear.

⭐ 2. Redirect like champs.

When someone goes rogue with inappropriate questions, gracefully pivot:

• “Oh! Speaking of that — did you try the stuffing yet?”

• “We’re keeping that private, but tell me about your trip.”

• “We’re not going into that today. How have you been?”

Redirecting is an art form. Use it liberally.

⭐ 3. Agree ahead of time what you WILL NOT engage in.

If politics is a dumpster fire in your family, don’t engage.If your sibling wants to trauma-dump, don’t engage.If your aunt loves to stir drama, don’t engage.

You’re allowed to protect your peace.

Step 3: Know How to Stand Up for Your Spouse (Without Starting a Family Civil War)

Standing up for your spouse does not mean yelling at your dad across the dining table.

Support looks like:

• The subtle “I’ve got your back” hand on their knee

• Redirecting conversations when someone targets them

• Not letting your family treat your partner like the emotional punching bag

• Being physically present so they’re not alone with difficult relatives

• Taking their side in front of others

• Checking in with them privately

You don’t need to fight their battles — you just need to show them you’re on their team.

And if you come from a family that thinks conflict is love?You may have to be even more explicit.

Example:“My wife is doing plenty. Let’s not go down that road today.”or“We’re making decisions together — we’re good.”

Those small moments stick.They matter.

They tell your spouse:“I choose you, even when my family is loud.”

Step 4: Create an Exit Plan That Saves Face (So You Don’t Have to Fake-Smile Forever)

Every couple needs a “we’re out” plan.

Because sometimes the vibes shift, Uncle Bob says something wild, a child melts down, or the emotional temperature suddenly spikes.

Your exit plan should include:

✔ A pre-decided time you’d LIKE to leave.

(Not a promise — a guideline.)

✔ A secret signal for “ten more minutes and we’re done.”

Hand on the lower back?A gentle nudge?A whispered “wrap it up”?Choose something.

✔ A polite, neutral excuse ready to go.

This is how you save face while protecting yourselves.

Options:

• “We have an early morning tomorrow.”

• “We promised the kids we’d get home to watch a movie.”

• “We’re heading out before the roads get icy.”

• “We’re sticking to a schedule today, but this was so good to see everyone.”

• “We’ve got another stop to make, so we’re going to slip out.”

No one needs your emotional explanation.You can simply go.

✔ Stick to the team decision — no guilt extensions.

If YOU said you were leaving at 6:00, but your partner gets guilt-tripped into staying until 7:30…you already know how the car ride home will go.

Choose each other.Stick together.Leave together.

Step 5: Debrief After You Leave (NOT in a Blamey Way)

When you get home, do a quick check-in:

• What went well?

• What was hard?

• What do we want to do differently next time?

• How did we support each other?

• What was uncomfortable?

This is the “relationship maintenance” part.It keeps resentment from building and helps future gatherings go smoother.

You Can Actually Enjoy the Holidays — With the Right Plan

If family gatherings usually turn into stress, shutdown, overwhelm, or emotional hangovers, you’re not broken as a couple.You just need more structure and teamwork.

You deserve holidays that feel calm, respectful, and connected — not like a battlefield of old wounds and weird comments.

📌 Want help creating a holiday plan as a couple? Book a consult with me.Or email me at corrinvoeller@gmail.com if you want to schedule a day-long intensive to reset your relationship communication before the holidays hit.

Let’s make this season easier — together.