Your Spouse Wants a Divorce… But You Don’t. Here’s Exactly What to Do Next (Without Pushing Them Further Away)

By Corrin Voeller, Couples Therapist | St. Louis Park, MinnesotaServing St. Louis Park, Edina, Minnetonka, Wayzata, Orono, Golden Valley & Minneapolis

When your spouse tells you they want a divorce — and you absolutely, definitively, with-your-whole-heart do not — it triggers one of the most painful emotional spirals a person can experience.

Your mind races:“This came out of nowhere.”“How do I fix this?”“I can’t lose them.”“What do I do?”

Let me start with this:

Feeling shocked, desperate, scared, or devastated doesn’t make you weak.It makes you human.

But what you do next matters deeply — because the wrong reaction can push your partner even further away, while the right one can help you both find clarity, calm, and a path forward.

Here’s what to do.

Step 1: Slow Down. Don’t Panic or Beg for Another Chance.

I know your instinct is to fight for your marriage immediately.

To say:

• “Please don’t do this.”

• “I can change.”

• “We can fix this.”

• “I’ll do anything.”

But those reactions — though completely understandable — overwhelm the “leaning-out” partner.

When your spouse is emotionally backed up against a wall, panic from you feels like pressure to them.

So your very first job is:

Slow. Everything. Down.

Your marriage cannot be fixed in one night.And your spouse’s feelings didn’t form in one night either.

Pause.Breathe.Give yourself space.

Grounding yourself is the first step toward saving your marriage.

Step 2: Get Gently Curious (Not Defensive or Fix-It Mode)

When the initial shock settles, say something like:

• “Can you help me understand what led you to this point?”

• “How long have you been feeling this way?”

• “Are you wanting a divorce immediately, or are you unsure?”

Your goal is to understand, not argue.

Your spouse may feel:

• unheard

• unappreciated

• exhausted

• disconnected

• unsupported

• hopeless

• resentful

• emotionally done

You cannot change what you don’t understand.And you cannot understand what you’re too scared to hear.

Curiosity opens doors that panic slams shut.

Step 3: Don’t Jump Into Couples Counseling Right Away

This shocks a lot of people.

You want to save your marriage.So your instinct is:

“Let’s go to couples counseling immediately!”

But here’s the thing:

Couples counseling only works when BOTH people want to stay together and do the work.

If your spouse is leaning out, couples counseling is the wrong tool — and it often makes the leaning-out partner feel trapped, pressured, or misunderstood.

You need a different approach first.

Step 4: Start Discernment Counseling — The Right Tool for This Moment

Discernment counseling is specifically designed for couples where:

• one person wants out

• the other wants to stay

• both feel overwhelmed

• no one knows what to do next

It’s short-term (1–5 sessions).It lowers the emotional temperature.It gives structure.It helps the leaning-out partner feel safe and heard.It helps you, the leaning-in partner, understand what’s actually going on.It slows down the panic-driven cycle.It creates clarity instead of chaos.

The goal isn’t to fix the marriage immediately.It’s to decide what path to take:

1. Keep things the same

2. Move toward separation

3. Or commit to 6 months of real couples counseling

Discernment counseling gives your spouse emotional breathing room — which is often exactly what opens the door to repairing the relationship.

📌 If you want help starting this process, book a consultation with me.I specialize in discernment counseling for couples in St. Louis Park and surrounding areas.

Step 5: Stop Overcompensating

Many leaning-in partners fall into patterns like:

• suddenly “doing everything right”

• over-apologizing

• making big promises

• trying to change overnight

• being overly emotionally available

• walking on eggshells

• analyzing every word

• people-pleasing

I know it feels like you’re “showing effort.”But to your spouse?

It can feel chaotic, desperate, or unstable.

You need sustainable change — not panic change.

This is where a therapist helps you shift into calm, grounded, connected behavior your spouse can actually trust.

Step 6: Surround Yourself With Safe, Skilled Support

Your instinct might be to call:

• your sister

• your best friend

• your mom

• group chats

• coworkers

And while you absolutely need support right now, not all support is created equal.

Friends will take your side.Family will panic with you.People will tell you what THEY would do, not what YOU need.

This moment needs clarity — not noise.

Find:

• a therapist

• a coach familiar with relationship limbo

• one or two grounded, wise friends (max)

You deserve stability right now, not more intensity.

Step 7: Remember This Isn’t the Final Chapter (Even If It Feels Like It)

You can’t see the whole story right now — you’re in the middle of a plot twist.

Some couples reconnect and rebuild.Some couples separate and then reconnect later.Some rebuild a stronger marriage than they ever had before.

And some do end — with dignity, clarity, and kindness.

You don’t need to know the ending today.

You just need the right next step.

Serving St. Louis Park + Surrounding Twin Cities Suburbs

I specialize in couples on the brink — one leaning out, one leaning in.I work with people from:

St. Louis Park, Edina, Minnetonka, Wayzata, Orono, Golden Valley, and Minneapolis.

Your situation is incredibly common — and incredibly painful — but it is NOT hopeless.

You Don’t Want a Divorce — Let’s Talk About What’s Still Possible

If your spouse wants a divorce and you don’t, you need support immediately — but the right kind of support, not more panic.

Book a consultation with me today so we can talk through the next steps.

Or if you want a deeper, focused reset, email corrinvoeller@gmail.com to ask about my day-long couples intensive.

This is a hard moment.But you don’t have to navigate it alone — and there is a smarter, calmer way to move forward.

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