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What to Do When Your Spouse Asks for a Divorce (Before You Panic, Shut Down, or Throw Your Life Into a Blender)

  • corrinvoeller
  • Nov 29
  • 4 min read

By Corrin Voeller, Couples Therapist | St. Louis Park, MinnesotaServing St. Louis Park, Edina, Minnetonka, Wayzata, Orono, Golden Valley & Minneapolis

There are moments in life that hit like a punch to the gut.Hearing your spouse say “I want a divorce” is one of them.

Your body goes cold.Your brain goes fuzzy.Your heart drops to your stomach.You don’t know whether to cry, yell, fix it, or freeze.

Let me say this clearly:

You are not crazy.You are not a failure.And this moment does not define the outcome of your marriage.

But what you do next matters.

I’m going to walk you through the steps — the ones that keep you grounded, effective, and emotionally safe — even if your spouse feels halfway out the door.

Step 1: Don’t Panic. Don’t Beg. Don’t Try to Fix Everything in One Conversation.

When someone says they want a divorce, your nervous system goes into emergency mode.Totally normal.

Your instinct might be to:

  • plead

  • argue

  • panic

  • promise anything

  • shut down

  • over-explain

  • cling

  • launch into “I’ll change everything” energy

But those reactions — although deeply human — usually make things worse.

Your spouse likely didn’t arrive at this decision in one moment.But you’re hearing it in one moment.Your body wants to react immediately.

Instead:

Pause. Breathe. Create space.

You don’t have to fix the marriage right now.You don’t have to defend yourself.You don’t have to agree or disagree.

Just don’t escalate.Staying grounded gives you your power back.

Step 2: Get Curious — Not Defensive

Later (not in the initial shock moment), you can ask:

  • “Can you help me understand what led you here?”

  • “How long have you been feeling this way?”

  • “What feels hardest for you right now?”

  • “Is this a firm decision or are you unsure?”

You’re gathering information — not arguing with it.

When someone asks for a divorce, they’re often feeling:

  • unheard

  • disconnected

  • exhausted

  • resentful

  • hopeless

  • emotionally done

  • overwhelmed

  • stuck

Understanding their emotional position helps you understand which path you need next.

Step 3: Stop Assuming the Marriage Is Over

People say “divorce” for a lot of reasons.

Sometimes they are done.

And sometimes they’re:

  • overwhelmed

  • hitting a breaking point

  • trying to get your attention

  • expressing hopelessness

  • wanting change but not knowing how to ask

  • craving relief, not necessarily ending

I’ve worked with tons of couples where one partner said “I want a divorce” but what they actually meant was:

“I can’t keep living like this. Something has to change.”

This is why you do NOT go straight into couples counseling (yet).

When one person wants out or is unsure, couples therapy is the wrong tool.

So if not couples counseling, then what?

Step 4: Start Discernment Counseling (NOT Couples Counseling)

Here’s the truth most people don’t know:

Couples counseling only works when both people want to stay.If one partner is leaning out, couples counseling often fails — fast.

That’s why discernment counseling exists.

Discernment counseling is specifically for couples where:

  • one person wants to stay

  • one person isn’t sure

  • or one person wants a divorce

It’s short-term (1–5 sessions)It’s structuredIt’s respectfulIt’s calmingIt helps the “leaning out” partner feel safeIt helps the “leaning in” partner understand the situation without panickingIt slows everything down so you can make clear decisions

The goal is NOT to fix your marriage — it’s to figure out WHAT to do next.

Most couples leave discernment counseling with clarity:

  • Try a round of couples therapy

  • End the marriage

  • Or maintain the status quo for now

Clarity reduces panic.Clarity reduces chaos.Clarity reduces reactivity.Clarity gives you power again.

📌 If your spouse asked for a divorce, book a consultation with me so we can talk about discernment counseling.

Step 5: Don’t Go Into Damage Control Mode

Your spouse is not asking you to become a brand-new person overnight.

Don’t:

  • suddenly change everything

  • overcompensate

  • make grand promises

  • pressure them

  • ask for guarantees

  • rush the process

Quick changes feel like panic, not stability.

Focus on:

  • emotional regulation

  • clarity

  • healthy communication

  • slowing things down

  • understanding the problems, not fixing them frantically

This is where therapy helps you stay grounded instead of spiraling.

Step 6: Protect Your Support System — Wisely

Your instinct may be to:

  • call your best friend

  • tell your family

  • vent everywhere

  • panic-text people

But be strategic.

Friends and family will almost always take your side and villainize your spouse.That feels good at first…but it complicates everything if you two decide to work on things.

Choose support with intention:

  • one or two trusted people

  • a therapist

  • a safe space where you’re not being pressured

This is a tender moment — you deserve stable, grounded support.

Step 7: Remember That This Moment Is Not Your Whole Story

Some marriages recover and become stronger.Some marriages end and both people grow.Some marriages transform into something healthier with real work.

You don’t need to know the ending yet.

You just need a path.

Serving St. Louis Park + Surrounding Twin Cities Suburbs

I support couples from:St. Louis Park, Edina, Minnetonka, Wayzata, Orono, Golden Valley, and Minneapolis.

If your spouse just asked for a divorce, I specialize in helping couples navigate exactly this moment with clarity and compassion — not chaos.

You Don’t Have to Handle This Alone

If your spouse said they want a divorce, your next step should NOT be panic — it should be support.

📌 Book a consultation with me and we’ll talk through what the next steps should be.

If you'd prefer deep, dedicated support, email me at corrinvoeller@gmail.com to ask about a day-long couples intensive.

Your world might feel upside down — but you don’t have to navigate this moment by yourself.


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